Archives for posts with tag: teh internet

Like most youth trends, the incidence of lo-fi garage rock seems to occur in closer and closer intervals. It used to take maybe ten years for the pendulum to swing from prog to adolescence, but now gracias de Urban Outfitters the whole thing is a mass of supra-coded polaroid pictures, wah-pedals, and songs about dudes who don’t care, and the beach. WTF is with the beach lately? Are we all looking out at the ocean and imagining the future that could have been were it not for our insistence upon the latest safest BMW? Well, I’m obviously being speculative because I think beemers are for d-bags, but I think you take my point. We have somehow fucked it all up and now wish for the elemental truthiness of water meeting land. Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck. It’s true.

Because, why else the psychedelia? Why else the fascination with fake-ass indian shit? You can call it “hybridity” if you want to, but I am on to your game, man. You can also call it “pills,” “reverb,” and “23 years old.” Every iteration of the damn thing gets more savvy, which is why you need to become the heavy in your life. Be the one who takes out the trash and doesn’t bitch about it. Be the one who has a job, or shit, be the one who tries to have one. As long as you don’t design jewelry or make Burger King slogans for a living, you are ahead in the millions.

AND ALSO, P.S.
YOGA ROTS BRAINS,
SARAH

First, read this New York Times profile of Brooklyn’s new Poet Laureate.

Now, read the following, my profile of Hyde Park’s new Poet Laureate:

A Poet Who Doesn’t Do Yoga: S.E. Smith, Poet Laureate of Hyde Park

After S.E. Smith puts her battered espresso pot on the stove, she pads nearly barefoot, still wearing last night’s tights, about four feet over to her office, where a desk cohabits with three full ashtrays and dirty coffee cups. She takes in the sights and sounds of her neighborhood, Hyde Park in Austin: yuppies chastising their unfortunately-named children for sitting in the dirt, day laborers fixing the roof next door, self-satisfied bourgeois hippies opening bottles of kombucha. She opens her laptop and stares at a blank new document for a few hours. One day she started with the title GIRLS CHOIR WITH EXTRA AIR but it didn’t work, another day, with the title ARCTIC LONER ROCK, which also didn’t work.

“Then something takes over,” Smith says, “usually after two hours of catatonic silence and a few pots of espresso.” Over days like this, her usually bizarre inside jokes with herself turn into poems, none of which are about childbirth, such as “Trace Means Trail in Western America:”

Dummy, where are you?
All around us the future
prepares us for each other.

I am sick of everything,
even the things I haven’t
done yet.

Ms. Smith is no ordinary scribbler: she is an editor, published author, and Hyde Park’s new poet laureate, the first person and first woman to fill the austere, if self-bestowed post. But don’t be intimidated. One of her chief goals is to “fuck it up 2010.”

“People use the words, ‘okay, whatever’ a lot when they think of a poet,” she said between bites of a fried egg sandwich made by her imaginary boyfriend Renaldo, who quit his job as a Disney Imagineer to become Smith’s full time house husband. “But being a poet is anything but okay whatever.”

S.E. Smith, the Hyde Park Poetry Commission president, who, with the help of a selection committee, chose Ms. Smith from two applicants, said she was taken by her own unwavering enthusiasm for poetry in spite of massive apathy and her embodiment of Hyde Park’s principle demographic: over-educated people under the age of thirty who can’t get jobs and enjoy New Wave German cinema. It did not hurt that she was unfazed by the lack of salary, stipend, office or budget. “It’s like I gave her a fried egg sandwich, she was so happy,” Smith said of herself.

Hyde Park was the first of Austin’s neighborhoods to appoint an official bard, in 2010. The rest have not followed suit.

With enormously frizzy dishwater blond hair and a remarkable ability to pull off miniskirts and unwashed black tights, Ms. Smith is a particularly glamorous ambassador of an art form most often publicly celebrated only in modelesque mainstream body types with form-fitting leather pants in their closets. She speaks loudly, having grown up, she said, as an only child with a lot of gregarious imaginary friends. And the tights, she notes, are cheap chic, from Target.

Ms. Smith would love to see poems carved into Civil War statues and chiseled into Darque Tan billboards throughout Airport Boulevard; mindful of money woes, she might settle for Frederick Seidel poems muttered on the bus, “only to be washed away in a replica of people’s constant cycle of talking shit and talking more shit,” as she wrote in her winning application. She hopes to create a website to spotlight other Hyde Park poets if she can find any who aren’t afraid of the internet, and she yearns to bring them into the neighborhood’s coffee shops full of emotionally stunted man-children.

“I love that age, when it’s sort of a middle ground between being a teenager and still trying to be a teenager even though you’re 35 and work at the video rental store,” she said. “They won’t be afraid to put themselves at the center of things because they still haven’t yet learned that they aren’t actually the center.”
Even many of Ms. Smith’s writer friends find poetry okay and whatever, she said. But this is not about them.

I can’t tell which branch of old world Europe messed up cabbage for most people, but whoever it was you can be sure it was the ones who just boiled it as if that would do the trick. I’m sorry on behalf of cabbage for its PR problems because there are a lot of good things in its favor, not to be limited to cheapness, the fact that it keeps in your refrigerator for really almost forever, and if you make it right it makes your house smell like an old wise woman loves you a lot. So yeah, this is precisely the wrong time to tell you how to make this since it’s finally warming up in Austin and the snow is melting everywhere else, and if you ever needed a recipe for braised cabbage you needed it last month because February breaks hearts. Which is why I made a bunch of cabbage soup in February and because I don’t know anything about quantities I bought an extra head of cabbage that I didn’t even use, and it’s been sitting at the bottom of my refrigerator since then. I dug it out a few days ago fearing that it had rotted and I would need to “compost” it (I mean, throw it in my back yard) but it looked totally unblemished and I had read this recipe over at amateurgourmet.com (which is also where I got the recipe for Veselka’s cabbage soup, by the way, but I can’t find it now) so I was like, okay, cabbage, I will give you a second chance.

And, officially, holy shit. I had always thought that cabbage on its lonesome needed a lot of butter to taste this good, but it turns out that braising cabbage makes it just taste buttery, and yes, like an old wise woman loves you. I realize that I’m three quarters German and so maybe I have a stronger cabbage affinity than your average camper but cabbages cost like sixty cents and you need to eat more vegetables, no matter what you say to the contrary, narc.

So, here are the ways. Cut up a cabbage in wedges, two carrots in chunks, and one onion in wedges also, put a quarter cup of olive oil all over the top, and kosher salt, and pepper. Cover it, put it in a oven at 350 for an hour, turn over the cabbage wedges and take the lid off, crank the heat to 400 and let it all brown for fifteen more minutes. That’s all. I know this is not a recipe in the typical way and you could just as easily read the version of it linked to above, except I found that the cabbage was already braised all to hell after an hour, and the other recipe says to give it another hour, which sounds scary to me but I’m also okay with my tweaks since they halve the amount of time this would take.

I think the key to most vegetables is 1) olive oil 2) high heat 3) kosher salt. Really. Also, for anybody who doesn’t know what’s up with kosher salt: it is the freaking BEST. Sea salt, whatever. I haven’t exactly figured out what’s so magical about kosher salt, but I suspect that since the grains are flatter (the better to cover the surface of a meat to kasher it) kosher salt dissolves in food faster and gives you a more accurate sense of how salty something is right away–unlike granulated salt, the little cube kind, that takes a little longer to blend in. Or something. Chemicals. Thank you.

Ready? OKAY. Watching episode one of RuPaul’s Drag Race is like getting to see what happens in my freaking mind while I sleep. Everything is there: vaseline-hazy drag model celeb injunctions to drink Swedish vodka, 90s deep house transition music, super contoured three-color eye makeup, people saying things like “I have a lot of really great feelings” with total sincerity, and RuPaul is there during a Gone With the Wind curtains-into-couture challenge acting out Tim Gunn’s mid-way workroom check-up, and Santino and Kathy Griffin are judges, and ties for last place are broken by lipsynching/taking off clothes/hitting the floor with your butt, I mean dang, RuPaul, can I please have the keys to my brain back? Pretty please?

Los Angeles has some of the best and most nonsensical public signage of any place I’ve ever been. That’s because in spite of how it’s a mythical city in the American imagination a lot of it is straight-up scrubbin’ good times. The only difference is that there are so many people and places that probably every possible linguistic combination has been expressed. In this way, LA = google. I saw enough signs this weekend that said “102.7 PAYS YOUR BILLS” and “SANDWICH HELP MAN” and “THE GAYLORD” and “EXOTIC PEBBLES” to thoroughly convince me. Seriously, I know that The Hills and Pretty Woman and whatever have probably poisoned my mind and yours regarding what goes on there, but most of it is just people doing stuff. Admittedly you’ll occasionally run into somebody who wants to have a sizing-up-the-competition conversation, but luckily these people are very obvious about what they’re up to, and you’re free to say any ridiculous overly-enthusiastic thing to them and go freely on your way. Mention Willem DeFoe as often as possible. You’ll do great.

DEAR SPAMMERRRRZ,
I am, okay, totally not fooled. When you say that my recent post about how I got my nails painted all tangerine color and I like nails because they make me feel like a natural woman was “interesting and informative,” I am immediately on to your shit game, shit Sherlocks. Because nobody likes talking about my nails except 1) my freaking mind and 2) Lauren, my principal manicure friend. Oh, you might try to entice me with comments like, “You write so well–are you a professional journalist?” but I know that no professional journalist would have any truck with sentences as clausey and runny-ondy as mine. Even in admirable brevity such as “MOMS DOGS VIAGRA WHATSS UPP” I find my interest flagging, though I must give you some snaps for concision. Don’t you dare push me to the edge of taking away my comments function because I am still secretly convinced that I will find a kindred person there someday. This is the great unbidden promise of the internet, and I will not have it sullied by you or your fellow big pharma shills, not for nothing, no way. Quit pissing in the stream that runs through my global village, or I will tell Hillary on you, I swear it.

BON3RS,
Sarah

I don’t think I’ve been that much of a hater. Except for hating hippie shit, non-aspirational middle class satisfaction, super aspirational middle class striving exemplified by faux brass faucets or hand-polished marble refurbishments, calculated haircuts, poems about “the body,” the way the New Yorker now plants an umlaut over the second of two grouped vowels in words such as “cooperative” or “reenactment,” as if I couldn’t tell that those two vowels did different things in that word and I needed some help with the notion, the one dance most people do to 80s music, too cool for cool embraces of 70s singer songwriters who are not cool at all except for the magic trick of being held aloft by anybody with peenie jeans, chick lit book covers, judgmental bike jocks, missionaries, floral prints, and entitlement, I have been pretty enthusiastic about most things. Or, if not enthusiastic, at least willing to rationalize around my hatery. In any case, my attitude is enormously improved from its state when I was 14 and most of my statements began with the introductory question, “Do you know what makes me really mad?”

I have grown to cherish my ability to hate. Let me make clear that I don’t mean “hate” in that person-on-person way, that love-not-hate way. My hateration applies largely to the conceptual and the conveniently general. Knowing people who like a thing that I hate on usually downgrades my degree of hatery, or sometimes removes it entirely, because I like people, and the things that they choose to furnish their lives with become more meaningful in the contexts of their lives. My college roommate Rachel loved Mates of State, a husband and wife band that sang warbly, sometimes ill-harmonized songs about how happy they were together. I couldn’t stand their songs, their cuteness, their whole wholesome ish. But for Rachel, who had just met the guy who would end up being her fiancee, it was an ideal soundtrack. This alone pushed me to grudging acceptance, although I sadly didn’t get much further than that. I know, I sound so open-minded. As a child I had a running joke with my mother that I alternated open-minded and close-minded days, which had some residue of logic to it, like the notion of being sour if you eat too many sweets or the way my dad would tell me I jinxed his football games if I watched them with him instead of reading upstairs and listening to his bellowing below.

Because I have applied all kinds of conditions and exemptions to my hateration, I have been able to keep it close to me and dote on it. I have come to consider it a necessary part of my personality, the thing that was able to balance my mawkish fondness for so many other things. (Short list: karaoke faces, manicures, fish cooked barely or not at all, the movie “Clueless,” wholesome poetry-type engagement with the things of the world, every hotel room I’ve ever stayed in, the cellophane toothpick, bawdy food-related metaphors for the human anatomy in early blues songs, professional sports, and lucite globes with scorpions trapped inside.) I have made excuses on behalf of my hateration. I have tried to tether it to my critical faculties, with the implicit idea that giving up hating would amount to becoming a bovine happy clapper. But lately, unbidden, I have the sense that there’s no real excuse for being an asshole to anybody, and I am troubled by this wisdom. If this wisdom is true, I have been acting out of line for years, skewering the faults of others with a meticulous glee, especially if I have a good excuse at hand. My good excuses ranged from needing a cigarette to needing to be included by imperiously judgmental (but also very witty) friends. Maybe I’ve started to think that I don’t even need those things as much as it might seem. I don’t actually like this feeling, as wholesome and all-to-the-good as it may sound. I’m not writing an admonishing dictate of supreme moral clarity. I don’t always know how to be myself and be nice. And yet I am grossed out by the blemishes on my aura. I still want very badly to chastise hippies for thinking I might care about a drum circle. It all reminds me of that itchy feeling I got in my shins when I was in the middle of a growth spurt, and I don’t like that feeling because I’ve become accustomed to thinking of myself as grown.

In summation, fuck. I may as well start vacuuming the drapes.

I am going to Europe in a few weeks. Austin to Chicago to Frankfurt to Barcelona, bitches. And then somehow to Berlin. And then back home. WTFFFFFF!!!! OMG. It’s been a long time since I’ve been over there, and I’ve never traveled by myself as an adult, so whoa, that’s going to be some other shit. Those of you who are major cosmopolitan jet-setters, got any advice for me? Except, of course, to only bring one duffel bag full of ratty dresses yeah. That’s what I’m about to do. And crush dem with the gayest science of all, which is funtimes.

Things that weigh as much as the Stanley Cup:

1.) 140 quarter pounders sans bun, cheese, condiments, or fixings
2.) 37.2 cans of Hill Country Fare black beans
3.) Renee Zellweger in Bridget Jones’ Diary MINUS regular Renee Zellweger with the creepy shoulders
4.) Seven Pizza Hut Pizzones (actually I’m just guesstimating here, but I was top hoss in estimation at Mathlympics in middle school, so trust me)
5.) One Samsonite rolling suitcase containing the following: one pink denim skirt, one black cheerleader skirt with the panties sewn in, one blue knit skirt, three t-shirts, two cardigans, one pair of tennis shoes, seven pairs of underwear, one pair of socks, one jumprope, two resistance bands, three necklaces, two elastic belts, a toothbrush, a flat iron, a bottle of charcoal pills, and a mint condition Morris Day record

I only mention it because when my dad took me to the airport today, he told me that my suitcase weighed 35 pounds, the same as the Stanley Cup. And I was like, “How can you tell how much my suitcase weighs?” and he was like, “I lift 70 pounds of free weights at the gym” and I was like, “Okay, that’s pretty cool.” He was worried I would crush my neck getting my stuff down from the overhead luggage compartment, which for the record I did not do.

OH PS GO PENNNNSSSSSSS

Pittsburgh was so super fun, as fucking always. This time I did a guest appearance at an improv comedy show, a reading/talk show appearance, and a music video shoot incorporating the always popular trashy cardio look. And tonight I watched game seven of the Stanley Cup Finals with my pops because it’s Father’s Day, so yeah, all is right in teh western PA.

Also, recently I purchased a camera, an honest to goodness camera that takes pretty decent pictures and has plus eight megapixels and a leica lens, so hopefully soon I can post some pictures of how amazingly beautiful western PA is in the early summertime. Too bad that I almost always forget to take pictures of things. Also, I went to the new formalist conference and met a lot of cool young people and also a lot of uncool older dudes who thought for some reason that I wanted to hear all about their 40-page-long poems about their cats who are on Klonopin. I guess I draw them near by some fluke of my appearance? Hopefully someday I will look so totally bitchin’ that those dudes will just know that I am not the garage in which they can try to park their bullshit. Amen.

Got a re-up on my nails two days ago and I’m still feeling totally great about it. I think nails are a drug. Yeah, and I’m hooked. I don’t mind that I totally cannot open pop cans without a spoon these days. I totally don’t mind that I can’t pick my keys up off the table. It makes it mad difficult to solder anything, though. But that’s why I’m special. I’m a soldier.

HA

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